Driving into the Fog

I'm not sure why I got up at 5:30 this weekend morning. More importantly, I'm not sure what possessed me to not only get out of bed, but to go for a drive. It was dark since the sun had not yet crested the mountains encompassing me. It was cold since the sun had not yet warmed the chilly night air. It was beautiful since the night had not yet been dissolved. As I drove, the light fog of the early morning surrounded me. I had fairly good vision, though, so I kept driving, aimlessly, appreciating the beauty of this world all around me. The fog split and dissipated in front of my meager headlights. Although I couldn't see everything in front of me, inch by inch, the fog cleared, giving me a little more insight into where I was headed. The road was uncertain in parts, around curves and up hills, yet the journey I was on was not over. I ended up on a hill, watching the sun rise. It has been too long since I've taken in this breathtaking beginning of the day. The sunset is amazing, a promise that tomorrow will come, but the sunrise is a fulfillment of that promise. The sunrise revives hope, wakens the soul, and clears the fog.

I began to realize that my life is this way. As I drive, the road is not always so clear. As I wander seemingly aimlessly through the wilderness, piece by piece, my destiny is revealed. I'm not sure what that final end will be like. I'm not sure where I am going. I'm terrified as I drive around curves and up hills, yet each part of my path brings new beauty. As I head full force into the fog of my future, the haze dissipates, clearing what was once a mystery shrouded in doubt. As I drive, it is slowly beginning to make sense. One day, that "ah ha" moment will happen, the light bulb will come on, and suddenly I will be in the midst of my destiny, sitting on the top of the mountain watching the sun rise. Until then, I'll drive through the fog and appreciate the scenery.

On the distant horizon

Sometimes on these tranquil nights when it seems dreams evade me, I realize this IS the dream. My thoughts that sometimes plaque me with insecurities now seem to flood me with hope. Venturing out into this new phase of life, I can be me. I can dream. It is frightening to think I can do anything I want, go anywhere, be anything. And you know, I want it all. I want to look back and say "I did THAT." In the end, I want to know I did everything I could. I want to conquer the world, to see colors I didn't even know existed, to live and love more truly and abundantly that I ever thought possible. As I sail into uncharted waters on an ocean of possibilities, the sunset filling my soul, I know one thing. I'm aiming for the distant horizon, knowing full well I may never get there, yet the journey is just as captivating.

Green Arrows

I'll never forget my big sister telling me once, "I know God loves me when I get a green arrow." You see, she hates to drive. I mean HATES. And even more than her loathing for general automotive operations, she hates left hand turns. She used to detour around the city making right hand turns until she finally reached her destination. But inevitably, she has to take a left turn. And when she did, she saw God in that glowing green light directing her safely across the intersection, like God saying, "Go baby, go! I got this. Traffic is stopped just for you."

**Disclaimer: This statement was made several years ago. Since then, my sister's driving has improved. Her loathe has since decreased to a general dislike, but the lessons I learned stuck with me.**

Through this, I learned several key pieces of information:

1. We all have out own "left turns." These are the things we try to avoid, sometimes going way out of the way so we don't have to face them. They are people, problems, and situations we can't stand to think about, let alone approach. But eventually, we have to make the "dreaded left turn." In the midst of all anxiety, we just have to do it.

2. Green arrows are God's graces. When we finally decide to let our guard down, be vulnerable, and face our fears, God can step in with that precious green arrow. By avoiding it all together, we never give God the chance to be God. We have to make the first step, and then let God guide us safely through the intersection.

3. We don't always get the green arrow. In those most difficult times when all we want is the go ahead to coast right through, sometimes we have to wait, think, consider, judge and trust not only God, but ourselves. And although we don't always get the green arrow, we ALWAYS get God.

4. God is in the little things. For my sister, it was the green arrow. For me, it is the way the air smells right before the rain, the way the sun shines through the clouds, and laughter, dear sweet laughter!

I pray I never get so caught up in the big things that I miss these little things. And I pray you find your little things that continually bring you back to God. I pray you dwell in them and savor them. There are so many out there.

Your green arrows are waiting. Go find them. Go find God. I promise, He's looking for you too.

Road Rage(ahol)

Homer (Simpson, not the epic writer) said, “I’m a rage-aholic! I’m addicted to rage-ahol!”

Well, I am addicted to road rage-ahol. Yes, sadly, I’m a road rager. Most of the time outside an automobile, I can keep my anger in check, but for some reason behind the wheel, all logic ceases and I become a mindless machine fueled by anger as my car is fueled by gasoline. I mean, if everyone was as phenomenal a driver as me, then it wouldn’t be a problem. At least that is my rationale.

To delve into a little “Angela psych,” I think I do it as an anonymous outlet. I can yell, slam the steering wheel, cuss, all the while the object of my anger is unaware and ultimately drives away, my rage trailing behind them in a cloudy haze of dust and exhaust fumes. And it’s over. I can vent, get it out, be the center of my world when I usually feel like an outsider, and be done with it. No consequences, no confrontations, no hurt feelings.

Occasionally, in the midst of such outbursts in my car, I catch myself. I realize how ridiculous it is, that it’s not worth the increase heart rate, take a breath, laugh, and move on. And sometimes, I say things I’m glad no one else can hear. Today, I said one of those things. Now be prepared. I didn’t think before I spoke. I just reacted and these are the words that came spilling out of my mouth in my latest rage-ahol incident.

“Hurry up and go, BEAN HEAD!”

I erupted in laughter as suddenly and intensely as the anger that had flooded me seconds before. Seriously, who says bean head? And if you are going to say bean head, would you really want to do it in red-eyed, ears-steaming anger? I repeated aloud, as not only a statement, but a question: bean head!?, followed by another burst of riotous laughter. When I came to, I had been sitting at the stop sign while there was no cross traffic. When I glanced in my rear view mirror, I could have sworn the guy behind me said “Go, bean head!!” I gassed my maroon beauty, made my left hand turn, and as I drove away, I saw a haze of anger in my rear view mirror and I felt a smile spread across on my face.

Airplane Blog: Random Scribbles from Heaven

As I coast in this great man-made bird miles about the stable ground I love so very dearly, especially now, I am reminded of my mortality. Yes, I am trying to tame my irrational fear of imminent death. I focus instead on the amazement of this great feat of flight and am suddenly struck by something so obvious. Perhaps the sheer obviousness is why I often miss things, but my thought is precisely: Someone once dreamed flight was possible. Even in the midst of raging skepticism, someone fought for this. And here I am, floating on wings of metal, clouds, and air currents, farther above the earth that I would prefer to be, living in someone else’s dream. Because they imagined, I can experience. Heaven is right outside my plexiglass window, reflecting in the sun-soaked cottony clouds. Somewhere in the midst of my thoughts, I am no longer afraid, only amazed. Then I realize one more crucial piece of life: I want to dream that big. I want to imagine that great. And I am the only one stopping myself…..

Pretty in Pink

I've been "playing" the guitar for about 4 months now. I only know 3 chords and one song that consists of 18 picked notes repeated over. I'm not very good, needless to say. Last night after my failed attempt at writing some awe-inspiring genius for this very blog, I picked up my pink electric beauty. I carefully traced my finger along her curves, admiring her, wanting to make the beautiful music for which she was meant. I wanted to miraculously be able to play and not hear the buzz of the strings from my inexperience. I so badly wanted to close my eyes and let my fingers effortlessly dance over the strings in a blur of perfection. That didn't happen. I wasn't suddenly imparted with knowledge and talent that people work at for years.

It was just me. Angela Riley: amateur guitarist.

All my flaws were blatantly exposed. I couldn't run from them. I couldn't pretend they weren't there. I stared into the eyes of my inadequacies, but for some strange reason, I was so comfortable behind that amazing piece of musical equipment. All my uneasiness and awkwardness of the past four months faded away. And this time as I started to strum, it wasn't too bad. My fingers found the chords more naturally than before. It was easier than last time, noticeably so. Finally, I feel like I am making progress. It definitely didn't happen over night; it was actually work! (Who knew?) But last night, it was worth every blister, every frustration along the way. And even if that sense of immense satisfaction only lasted a few brief moments (precisely 18 picked notes), I know there will be more. I'm so looking forward to that!

Rebel Yell

The big boss is at work today, roaming around, making sure we are doing our jobs properly and efficiently. Yet, there is a twinge in me that needs to blog right now, not because I have anything profound to say, or because I want to inspire any kind of change or revolution in the world. Really, I have nothing to say. But I have to blog. Why? Simply because I am not supposed to, especially since the big guy is here. I’m too sensible to rebel in any drastic way, too reasonable to put anything real at risk, and too logical to do anything based solely on emotion. But blogging at work? I can do that! And that part of me that needs to rebel against societal standards screams, “I come in religiously 40 hours a week, every week. I do everything you tell me. But today, I’m BLOGGING! Today, I break your rules right under your nose! Yeah, take that BOSS MAN!” It’s a small victory, but right now, I’ll take what I can get. (And just so everyone knows how incredibly rebellious I really am…I wrote all this in a fake email and copy and pasted into my blog. Real rebellious, Angela. Real rebellious….)

It's good to be home

Yesterday I walked outside and on the first cool breath of the budding summer air, I fell in love. Again. With my new home. I'm not sure why my soul is so at rest here, even in the midst of personal turmoil, but it is. That smell following a southern rain filled my nostrils. Each sharp inhale was like breathing in pure peace, my lungs expanding as I took advantage of that amazing feeling. I closed my eyes, captured by the moment, the emotion, and that sweet, sweet smell. I can only describe it as total communion with God, nature, mind and body, in sync, on track, and totally in love. THIS is why I am here, why I had to come back. It's so good to be home. Finally home. Finally at peace, at least in that one beautiful moment. I smiled that goofy smile. That I-am-finally-doing-those-amazing-things-I've-dreamt-about-for-years-and-they-are-happening-RIGHT-NOW smile. Or the when-God-gives-you-a-big-hug-wipes-your-tears-from-your-cheeks-whispering-"I've been here the whole time, baby. I'm not going anywhere. Ever."-and-for-the-first-time-in-a-long-time-you-smile smile. Yeah, I smiled like that. And as the cool rainy southern summer breeze caressed my tear stained face, I opened my eyes to a brightening sun, and renewed hope. My heart hurt a little less, my eyes sparkled a little brighter, and I walked away totally, completely in love.

Keeping it Going

I haven't written in almost two weeks. I thought I should write something. Although this lacks the profundity of the majority of my entries, it is still keeping in line with my list. So write I must! Even if today it is only sentence fragments coupled with a big word or two, it is still an effort in continuity-keeping with what I have started. So yay me! :)

Another sleepless night

Last night I struggled against this wakeful world yet again. My eyelids were heavy with dreams they would never see. I laid awake listening to the insects humming their tune into the peaceful dark of the late night. The fight against my racing mind for the sleep that I craved was lost in the waning moonlight. My eyes begged my mind to stop, for even in that one moment of silence, sleep may have snuck in. But it didn't, and I laid awake. Instead of laying in frustration yet again, I started thinking about my future, with tomorrow seeming a faint light on the horizon, propelling me through the darkness of the perpetual night. I closed my eyes in hope this time, not desperation. My future flashed brightly in front of my eyes, the shadows dancing on my eyelids. And as my mind finally gave, I feel asleep into a dream already in progress.

Hot Chocolate and Mini Marshmallows

I've been on a sickness rollar coaster the last few days. At first, I thought it was allergies, but then developed into a cold. Today, I found some solace in a cup of hot chocolate. There was only one thing missing: mini marshmallows. I'm not quite sure what makes hot chocolate so much better with marshmallows, but it does. Perhaps it is just the added sugar, but I'm willing to sacrifice a few calories for a cup of peace. I had to settle for slightly less comfort today, due to my lack of mini marshmallows. I was so torn between the warm sugary sweetness coursing down my throat and straight into my bones it seemed, and yet something was missing: those white clouds of fluffy yummy comfort. Sometimes I feel this way in life: marshmallow-less in a hot chocolate world. Sure, hot chocolate is great. Everyday things are good, warm and delightful. But something about those mini marshmallows makes it oh-so-much better. I want to find those mini marshmallows in my life. I want to find those things that add exactly what I need, what I want to send something good into the the land of greatness. One day, I'm sure I'll find that, but until then, I guess I'll just enjoy my hot chocolate without marshmallows.

Shattered Expectations

So I'm having a rather clumsy day. The typical dropping things on the floor, running into the door frame, and tripping over a parking beam are evidence of this. Earlier, I had to look in someone else's desk drawer for something in the very back. Unfortunately, I expected the drawer to catch before it came ALL THE WAY out. It didn't. So there I am, in someone else's office, holding the now half empty drawer of office supplies, staring at paper clips, pens, and post its scattered on the floor. I bust out laughing, trying to clean up and make it look like I was never there at all, a rather hopeless venture in this sudden desk drawer/office supply fiasco I found myself in. As I was putting the drawer back on the rails, I was wondering why I expected it to catch. There was no thought, no planning, just expectation. And this time, it didn't work out that perfectly.

I'm not sure why we have the expectations we do. When shattered, sometimes it leads to hilarity, sometimes disappointments, sometimes pure heartbreak. But on certain momentous occasions, life provides far beyond expectations, far beyond planning, far beyond imagination. We could never have dreamed of, let alone expect those gifts, those hopes, those fully answered, yet unspoken, prayers. Those are the times your heart triumphs and your soul rejoices. I love those moments of awe, of pure bliss, of shattered expectations. So, I will keep hoping, keep expecting, because those times that go far beyond make it worth the times when an entire desk drawer ends up on the floor.

The Unknown

A lot of people are afraid of the unknown. Most of the time, I am too, to be perfectly honest. However, lately the unknown has been bringing me some great surprises. It almost makes me grateful I don't know what is coming. I'm kind of enjoying this aspect of ignorance. Even in the moments that bring upsetting unknowns, there has been an element of joy, or at least of satisfaction. It has given me the opportunity to show who I am, to stare down the world, and most importantly, to grow and learn. And sometimes that unknown turns out to be even better than what I had planned. So to all the unknowns out there, I say bring it on. I'm ready and waiting.

Kindred Spirits

Although I consider myself an optimist, sometimes this world really sucks. Things happen. People come and go in our lives, and not always the ones we want.

Yet, sometimes we meet people who become a part of us and seemed to have always been a part of us. I'm thankful for those people that will forever remain in my heart, regardless of whether they remain in my life or not. These kindred spirits are an amazing connection on a deeper level than we ever knew possible. They make our lives better and give us so much more than we can ever return, it seems. They teach us and learn from us, grow with us, hurt and cry with us, rejoice and laugh with us. These people know the real us, love us regardless, and bless us every day just by being there. Even though it is difficult to find these people, and even more difficult to let them go, I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. And every day, I'm thankful for the ones I've met.

Paper Airplanes

I changed my cursor to something frivolous: a paper airplane. It reminds me of easier times when such joy and entertainment could be derived from something so simple as a piece of paper. Part of me misses those days, yet who is to say those days are gone?

I remember making paper airplanes as a kid and getting such a kick out of how far they would fly. Different designs would fly different ways, further, or faster. It was fun to figure out my favorite, to experiment. As we grow older, that childlike innocence is somehow lost or dissolved into daily routines. It is only because we let it. So, today, I decided to make a paper airplane. I flew it across the office, giggled as if I was still a child, and enjoyed the simplicity of that single piece of paper (after accidentally throwing it right into the wall). I forgot how great it is to see my creation succeed, watch it glide across the room, floating in space. It really didn't fly very long, as I have forgotten just how to make the PERFECT paper airplane. But it flew, and a piece of me soared with it, caught up in the reminiscence of my childhood, my long forgotten innocence. Even if it was only for a few seconds.

Medocrity in Music

I picked up my guitar again last night after not playing for a few weeks. My fingers are a little sore, so typing this is a bit difficult (not to mention I pinched my finger in a pair of scissors). I didn't make it very far before I gave into the pain and decided to play the harmonica instead. You can't go wrong with "Amazing Grace", right? (It reminded me of the visions of the old soulful man playing his prized posession as he sits in a jail cell, dingy blue overalls, pouring out all he had left with every blow and draw of the tiny instrument. Hope fading as the sun sets across the yard, yet each note bringing a certain peace. Even though his physical prison will last the rest of his life, his soul is forever free. Amazing Grace. How sweet the sound.)

At any rate, music doesn't come as easy for me as for some, but I'm still trying, foraging the foreign forest in a rather feeble attempt at creating something wonderful. Maybe one day I will really be good at it. I would love that. For now, all I can do is try. I enjoy it, but sometimes it is rather frustrating. (Perhaps that is why so many, including myself, enjoy Guitar Hero. We BECOME a part of the music without having to know anything or have any special talent.) I am so far from reaching any kind of guitar goals, yet that is on my list of things to do. So I'll keep trekking, keep wandering aimlessly through the fields of amatuerity and mediocrity until I stumble upon something extraordinary. Although way too far in the future to predict, I know it is there. Somewhere. Somehow. Someday. But today, I have to hope for that, dream for that, work for that. I can't quit today. I have so much more to offer, even if it is only mediocre.

Ice Cream

I like ice cream. I currently I have 4 different types of ice cream in my freezer. My favorite may be Cold Stone Creamery's birthday cake remix. It is CAKE BATTER ICE CREAM! AH! (I didn't mean to yell; I just got excited.) It also has brownie pieces and sprinkles mixed in. I'm not quite sure why ice cream brings me such pleasure, but it does. I also don't know why I felt the need to share this love of frozen yummy goodness with the world, but I did. So now you know....

Cleansing Rains

I love the rain. I love sitting inside, listening to it beat down on the building around me. I love the smell. I love the feeling it gives me. One thing I love is how refreshing it is, how it seems to wash everything clean. A fresh new start when things seem to go stale. It makes me thankful to be alive. The symbolism is extraordinary. I'm brought to a place of spiritual contentment. God seems to speak to me in the gentle droplets that cascade from the endless skies. He reminds me where I was before I knew Him. I can look at that point in my life, accept it for what it was, and rejoice in His cleansing nature. He teaches me, He saves me, and above all, He loves me. It reminds me of the scene in Shawshank Redemption, where Andy finally breaks free and is standing in the field, arms raised in victory as the rain surrounds him. His freedom, after years of imprisonment, reflected in the healing waters pouring over him. After years of spiritual imprisonment, after fighting what seems to be a losing battle, we as Christians triumph. It is so simple, yet the ramifications are endless.

Learning from movies

Anybody who knows me knows how much I love movies. My collection is great, perhaps even bordering on insane. I think this love affair started more as an escape from the reality that plagued me, but it has become more of a hobby. Sometimes a gateway to laughter, sometimes a chance to experience something I never would, and sometimes just simply the prevention of boredom. But there is nothing better than enjoying a movie and having it actually impact your life. Last night, I watched one of those movies. It got me thinking about those little things in life that are so significant, those split second decisions that change everything. You just never know...
It makes me even more determined to make my life mean something, to be worth something. You never know the impact you have on someone's life. You never know how something so seemingly insignificant can change your entire life, who you are, and what you believe. I keep talking of little things, but THOSE are the moment that define our lives. THOSE are the moments to live for, and sometimes to die for. Those are what we face every day of our lives, giving us the opportunity to improve, one little thing at a time, and ultimately, able to conquer the big things. So here's to the little things: smiling at a co-worker, helping your neighbor start her car, calling those you love just to say you love them, letting a movie change your life, all the while cherishing every moment. Because big things are on the way. And the little things will take you there.

Reflections

As another day closes at work, I'm looking forward to an evening at home. Living on my own can be challenging at times, since I am not used to it, but the time to myself, to reflect, is a priceless venture in my new life. As daily bills and responsibilities pile up, sometimes it gets overwhelming, yet every opportunity gives me a chance to prove to myself I can do it. I can dream. I can achieve. My life is not ending; it is only beginning. Quiet evenings at home, doing laundry, cleaning, and taking care of every day chores, although monotonous, give me a minute chance to shine and to take pride in something. Every day, I have the opportunity to be myself. Every day, I have a chance to succeed. Every day, my life improves. I find pride in little things. I find joy in things I had long forgotten even existed. I rediscover my happiness every minute of every day. I smile for no reason. I laugh at myself. I am me, and even though there are faults that lie within all of us, I am proud to be me. I am excited to live again, to hope again, to love again. It feels great, and tomorrow will even be better.

Sleep, or lack thereof

Lately, I've been short on sleep. It seems a luxury anymore. Most nights, I toss and turn in a fruitless attempt to give my body the necessary rest that it seeks. My mind usually races with random thoughts of the day, or time, or things of depth previously unknown to me. I try to reason myself to sleep, yet my mind is ever vigilant in it's attempts to confine me to this wakeful world. I don't ever seem to figure anything out during these times, except that I am tired, and frustrated, thus perpetuating the cycle. I've grown to treasure those nights where sleep is able to encompass me in it's peaceful arms, wrapped in blankets of dreams, and laying upon pillows of pure comfort. I like when slumber overtakes me, finally, and I fall under the power of the night. The morning comes too soon, yet when it does, I'm glad to wake up, refreshed, renewed, revitatized. It almost sounds like a shampoo commercial or something. Sleep, dream, repeat. Sleep, dream, repeat. And by morning, the air seems warmer, the sun seems brighter, and the significance of a good night's rest is even more clear. And last night's luxurious sleep created one of these perfect mornings.

Beauty

Sometimes life just amazes me. I'm completely enamored with the beauty that surrounds me every day. The way the sun shines through the trees. The smiles on people's faces. The laughter that resonates off the walls from across the building. The sweet smell of coffee in the morning. Life can be so grand if we get past ourselves and find joy in all the small things that emanate such beauty. I've had to do this a lot lately: concentrate on what I love most dearly in the world, and laugh at the ugliness that desires to steal all the goodness away. Sometimes it is a daily battle to overcome that black hole of depression that seeks out my soul. Sometimes it is not enough to see the small things. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am and how precious life is. Sometimes..... But now is not one of those times. NOW, everything is beautiful. NOW, my soul is at peace. NOW is my time. And NOW will last forever.

Another thing to check off my list

So my life lately has been defined by doing those things I've always dreamed. Now, here again, I am doing one of those things. I always thought "I SHOULD start a blog." And Now, I'm doing it. I've always enjoyed writing, and subsequently sharing that with others, so why not the world? I suppose this will end up being quite a random blog, but hey, as long as I'm doing SOMETHING, I can cross this off my list!